My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
