Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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