i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
