i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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