i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Randomize
