My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
