I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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