Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
