I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
