Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
