Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
