I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
