if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
