Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pooping to opera.
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