I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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