I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
