I am full of burrito and curiosity
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
