A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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