I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
