Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
