If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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