my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
