so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
