Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
