You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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