I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
