My sheets look like a crime scene.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
