and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
