no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
