just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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