If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
