if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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