I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
