I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we're making bets on your personal life
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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