I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
People in love make me want to vomit
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
