Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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