I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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