No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
