I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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