You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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