If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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