i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
