Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
