An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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