Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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