She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
