Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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