last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
