it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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