A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
