she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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