I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize