Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
