she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
