I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
