Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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