I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
