i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
